An abundance of pixie dust in 2018

It’s a new year!

We’re 10 days in and I am already as happy, overwhelmed, terrified (in a good way), grateful, and open as I have been in months. The prospect of Newness has always excited me, perhaps because in Newness there is always the promise of a clean slate. Beginnings tend to be easy, but middle parts and endings? Well, not so much.

So while it is the start of a new calendar, I have just realized that not only am I in fact in the middle of juggling several current endeavors and the possibility of new ones, I am also squarely in the middle of a journey of healing, and very much in the thick of a narrative surrounding my life which I have (in my opinion) failed to thoroughly document and process. And that, I feel, causes me a sense of anxiety over the imagined past and the very real present.

The last time I wrote here, I mentioned that I have thousands of unprocessed photos and videos on all my gadgets, and possibly a thousand more memories, ideas, and notes that I have floating around in my head. This manifests too in my physical space, as I have just moved back home barely three months ago, and yet I am already struggling to find some important things amidst a sea of stuff. And yes, this is already after I thought I Marie Kondo-ed everything I own. I guess not!

So while it is tempting to give in to the overwhelm, I’m thankful for the grace today and recently that has allowed me to listen more clearly to what Life is trying to teach me. Clarity is underrated, and silence even more so.

Today I got up at 7AM exactly when my alarm told me to, and for me this is a miracle. No more snoozing! That’s my only “resolution” this year. (I write this with quotation marks because to be honest, I hate resolutions because for some curious reason, whenever I pin something down as a “resolution” it usually never actually gets, well, resolved. Haha)

Because I started the day earlier than I would have, I was able to do Morning Pages, eat breakfast slowly, and paint for an hour before the rest of the world needed me. I felt empowered and grateful, and though the rest of the day went alright with a few bumps along the way, by my evaluation I came through more gracefully than I would have otherwise. Lin Manuel Miranda was right, it’s just so much easier to start the day with grateful.

Starting now, I declare the theme of my January is to Declutter. Not just my room, but declutter my mind, heart, and memory of all the stories, poems, and random thoughts I have inside me that are begging to be written, pinned down, and enjoyed in the moment. Declutter my work life of all the tasks I have procrastinated and/or long forgotten, and really just make space for new energy and inspiration to settle in like pixie dust and allow myself to fly again.

It’s an ambitious task, but I have long accepted that stubborn part of myself that refuses to be somewhere in the middle of 0 and 100% and ironically, I feel that it is this relentlessness about myself that will teach me how to be in the middle of this great story. What a life. Just happy to be a part of it all.

With hope & hustle,

fire & faith,

grit & grace,

Bea 

 

 

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